St Frank of North Liverpool

The awesome Olympic ceremony was a spectacle made and conceived by two proud sons of the North West, Danny Boyle and his mate Frank Cottrell Boyce, the writer. Frank has written an incredibly warm and wonderful account of his Olympic opening ceremony adventure and how he kept it all a secret for the last couple of weeks.

We went to the Hay Festival in June and met with Frank, firstly because after we watched his talk we queued up to get a book signed (pictured). Our kids love his writing and his sense of humour. I thought he did an amazing job of 24 Hour Party People - remember, "faced with the truth and the legend, always print the legend." And of course he was part of the team on Brookside when it was good. Personally, I love how he also articulates his Catholic faith in such a profound way. Not easy, not comforting, but almost ... obvious.

We then bumped into him again at Hay and stopped for a chat. He was even more lovely and impressive in person than I possibly imagined him to be. I asked him if he'd do a couple of things for projects I'm involved in. Long story short, he's agreed to. 

To see the universal acclaim for the opening ceremony makes me so proud of our tolerant and creative country and the embrace of a loving and diverse population. Even the nasty wing of the Guardian and Daily Mail and the keyboard warriors trying to be sage just reinforce the core of what Danny Boyle and Frank were pointing out. It was a piece of audacious, obvious, courageous genius. So do read the link, but if you can't be bothered, then my highlight is this:

"As Danny wrote in his introduction to the brochure: "We can build Jerusalem, and it will be for everyone." He'll hate me for saying this but he has a very Catholic sense that yes, this is a fallen world, but you can find grace and beauty in its darkest corners – even if you chop off your arm to do so."

Joe Birrell - Olympic Hero

Our kids had to do a presentation on an Olympic hero. Louis and Elliot chose a guy who competed in the 1948 "austerity" Olympics in London called Joe Birrell. He was my maths teacher at school and got me through my O Level resit. He never boasted about his sporting achievements, in fact he was a bit of an enigma to be honest. Here's a story about 'Joe Biz' from the Lancaster Guardian.

Steve Kean and Rovers - my concern over the Kean Out abuse

Of unknown origin, but borrowed from a fansite

To the Crown Ground, home of Accrington Stanley today for two Blackburn Rovers pre-season friendly matches. One against Fleetwood and another against the home side. I went out of curiosity and to chalk off a new ground, my 132nd.

Two totally different Rovers teams turned out. The first game was more of a practice match which Rovers won. The second was turgid and niggly with loads of mistakes. Rovers lost. You learn very little from a pre-season, but it is a good barometer of the mood around the club.

The fans are still feeling very raw. The abuse of Steve Kean, especially when the pubs emptied for the second game, was unrelenting. I have a worry about this. Were he to be sacked, the Venky's would immediately prick a bubble of protest. Hooray, they'd all celebrate, the problem is gone. But of course it hasn't. We have negligent, ignorant, hopeless owners. It is they who have destroyed the club. Sure, Kean has been a willing and atrocious accomplice, but all this is a diversion and lets Venky's off the hook.

Venky's must go, and they must take clueless Kean with them, but if people are in the mood to be angry, remember the real culprits. There are enough people who care about our club, we will also be "the club that won't die" but I'm still not prepared to give the club a penny while Venky's, Anderson, Kean and the whole shower remain. Aways only until then.

And no appearance for Myles Anderson either. Maybe he's off to Manchester United, now that Chris Smalling is injured?

The Purple Pakora - a cut above the average curry house

Picture of Purple Pakora taken by Ted of Mellor View

Maybe all curry houses are starting to get smarter, especially in the suburbs. Maybe I just need to get out more. Even though we were warned by pals that the Purple Pakora wasn't that good, we went anyway. And I liked Ted Stockton's review on the Mellor View blog. I've also sniffed its aromas enough times when I've arrived home at Marple station.

The popadoms were a little lifeless - but the accompaniments were excellent, especially the coleslaw.

We didn't order starters as we sometimes overdo it on my favourite - mixed tandoori grill. Our mains were off the special menu - lemon tikka chicken, a big chunky prawn bhuna, bhindi bahji, mutter panneer, pilau rice and a peshwari nan.

Everything was really fresh tasting and not too oily. The chicken was a particular surprise, very distinctive.

For me though the real test comes the next day when we eat what we couldn't finish for breakfast. Warmed up in the Aga it was just as delicious, and again, not greasy at all.

So yes, I would heartily recommend the Purple Pakora, a really good dinner. Others have suggested the Blue Nile in Hazel Grove is excellent, and the Indigo in Romiley is even better than that. Neither however have the advantage that they are walking distance from my new office and right outside Marple station.

The death of The Word magazine

It's sad when a magazine closes. All of the effort and emotional commitment coming to an end. It seems especially sad when the publication is well loved, but not by quite enough people. And so it was with The Word magazine, the August issue will be the last.

I've been a subscriber for six years and have found something to enjoy in each issue. The circulation at the back end of 2010 was 25,000, a new iPad edition had just been released and the podcasts were a regular delight. Their strapline, a friendly American accent pronouncing "The Word, a magazine, a podcast, a way of life" was an accurate depiction of a brand extension. Indeed, their foray into live events attracted fierce loyalty from "the Word massive" and the True Stories Told Live evenings were fully subscribed.

The news of the demise is covered on the BBC and Media Guardian and follows the line that the falling circulation made it a difficult business to sustain. Declining circulation for a print title is nothing new. Yet I rather suspect something else forced the issue at this moment in time.

First, all magazines make money from advertising and copy sales. The Word's advertising team seemed to consist of one person. But a metropolitan readership with higher than average discretionary income should be able to attract higher spending advertisers in greater numbers than they did. The problem seemed to be a sales strategy built on the content of the magazine - festivals, CDs and books. That worked very well in the era of "Fifty Quid Bloke" the demographic which the founders identified back in 2001. But successful consumer magazines also feature adverts for products that the readers will like irrespective of whether they are written about. There was rarely a sponsor for the podcast, which amazed me. At a time when a lot of brands do get the importance of Long Tail marketing, there are worse parts of the long tail to own than a hub of middle class culture vultures.

Second, the founders and popular talismen for the title, publisher David Hepworth and editor Mark Ellen, always contributed the better features in the magazine, but my feeling was they've lost their love of new music. The things they contributed to Radio 4 about and wrote about on blogs expose such a rich hinterland, I suspect this is where their love lies. There is only so much you can write about music after a lifetime of doing just that. The best of the rest of the features in The Word were always the non-music ones to my mind, or Eamonn Forde's epic rants about the changing economics of the industry, and it became the strength of the magazine and what provided regular moments of serendipity.

Thirdly, owner Development Hell is a lean business but has experienced media industry investors like Chris Oakley. Like David Hepworth, he has sharp antennae for what is going on and what needs to be done, and a rather gloomy view of print media's future. The trouble was, they didn't have the energy to do what they know needs to be done to do it properly. What surprises me is there isn't at least a plan to take The Word online only. Maybe it's an experiment in human nature to see how self sustaining the Massive can be. Which I suppose takes me back to the first two points.

I'll miss it hugely and hope that the incredible array of talent involved in its production and writing will find a place somewhere else. I note with some interest that Andrew Harrison, formerly of this parish is brightening up Q magazine these days.

On getting an Honorary fellowship from UCLAN

I was awarded an honorary fellowship today, my birthday, by the University of Central Lancashire. It was a really special day. My Dad and his wife were there, so was Rachel. I had to do a short speech to the students and their parents, which I include here.

Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, recent graduates, parents and friends.

First of all, could I thank the University of Central Lancashire for this award.

50 years of running the journalism course is some achievement and I am honoured and humbled to be here today.

The kind words bestowed on me made several references to the journey I’ve been on through my career.

My hero, my inspiration to get into journalism, was Hunter S Thompson, the Godfather of Gonzo journalism. This was a quote attributed to him that fuelled my fire in the late 1980s:

“Journalism is a money trench, a long plastic hallway where pimps and thieves run free and good men die like dogs. It also has its downsides.”

I’ll come back to that.

But I am mindful today of the uncertainties that confronted me on my graduation day in 1988. And at many other occasions at crucial turning points in my life over the last 24 years.

None of what has happened to me was part of a masterplan.. Some things I fell into. Others I made happen.

Sometimes, I’ve been lucky. And you will be too.

But it’s hard out there, I know that.

But if I may, I would like to address my brief remarks to those of you receiving your first degrees and MA certificates today.

As an external marker and guest lecturer at this university, I know how hard you have worked to achieve your degrees today.

And I recognize too that many of you will be looking for careers in industries where the structures have crumbled and the very foundations of the media sectors you want to work in are in undergoing a constant period of change.

When I did a series of mock interviews with students from this university recently I was struck by a number of things.

Firstly, I was impressed at the lengths to which Cathy Darby (left), a wonderfully generous and devoted course leader had gone to extraordinary lengths in order to make you even more employable.

Secondly, it really struck me what a fantastic education you have received here. As I said to the group afterwards, I saw something in all of them that would have made me want to employ them and help them along.

But thirdly, I emerged with a certain sadness from the day because of the reluctance many of them displayed in wanting to show off their remarkable achievements.

The one skillset I never learnt at University, or I properly gripped until my second job, was entrepreneurship and enterprise. Don’t confuse that with selling your soul to the advertising devil. Or compromising your values and journalistic integrity.

And don’t think I mean becoming a big head.

But sell your achievements. Be proud of who you are and what you have done. Make the person sat opposite think that you can make their life easier and better by working with you. The same applies to a film graduate pitching an idea, or those of you with business degrees looking to raise funds for a business idea.

Realise that old people like me need young people like you, to understand how the emerging generation use social media tools like Facebook and Twitter as instinctively as we use our thumbs.

But think too what advertisers want, but create for yourself a space to do what you do best – to tell stories and speak truths.

But how you do that is changing too. Like at no other time in the 50 years of this course.

Rightly, this University, through the Journalism Leader’s Programme, is at the forefront of research and debate about the future of media. Get involved and stay close to that work.

The most successful amongst you will start to work out a new and different economic model for content. I’m sure you are doing that already.

A friend of mine used to have a suitcase full of contact cards that he’d drag around between the Sunday Times and the Manchester Evening News and, God help him, the Daily Star.  Now of course they’ll be his contacts on LinkedIn, or saved on his phone – and backed up on a cloud.

It shows the power of networks, the connections between people that make things happen.

Contacts are currency – so work hard on building your own networks, starting today on this day where all of you in the room, from countries all over the world, have something that links you for the rest of your lives – your graduation day.

Back finally, to Hunter S Thompson. That quote I shared at the start is made up. It’s a composite, a twisting of the truth. These things often are.

Don’t rely on Google and Wikipedia. Talk to real people and get real quotes.

But there is a further skill you will all need. 

Kindness.

You just never know who will be able to help you. So in everything you ever do, remember these three things. Be honest, be loyal, be kind.

And remember the old Chinese proverb, which may also be made up, but it still stands – “the wise man knows everything, the shrewd one knows everyone.”

Doing the radio with Gordon Burns

I really enjoy reviewing the papers on the Sunday morning programme on BBC Radio Manchester and BBC Radio Lancashire. It's hosted by the peerless Gordon Burns, who at 70 years of age has lost none of his wit or analytical skills. I've been on about 7 times now. Each one has been different, sometimes the stories that dominate have been uniform across the papers, sometimes they've been wildly different so we have to pick out the nonsense as well as the scoops.

It's also great fun working out the interests and complementary strengths of whichever other journalist is in that day. The last one was with Cerys Griffiths, the brilliant former editor of BBC North West Tonight and who now works at BBC Learning. She was super quick and knew how to summarise a story perfectly.

I enjoy the spontaneity of radio and the ability to project real emphasis to an idea. I also like the interaction around an idea with other people. Next time I'm doing should be in the thick of the silly season. Should be brilliant.

A cool video from the Learning Journey event

Asda reveals Marple plans

Asda have unveiled their plans for a supermarket on Hibbert Lane in Marple on the site of the sixth form college. The exhibition of the plans mainly highlight that the sale of the site will enable the construction of a new college on Buxton Lane just around the corner (pictured).

My first thought when I saw the leaflet was, oh , that looks alright. Then you read it with a more sceptical eye and it adds up to the same thing you always feared, a dirty great supermarket close enough to a town centre to threaten it, not close enough to complement the offer. As a piece of public affairs lobbying it contains all the depressing hallmarks of a slick corporate operation ticking all the right boxes and using buzz words like "community". A series of leading questions at the back of the leaflet make it seem like they're going to solve all the problems of traffic, sick children, sports provision, education and cheap food. You can read a well argued destruction of all this sophistry on the Marple in Action website.

There is no doubt that things will change forever round here. A developer has also purchased a car park site in the centre of Marple with a view to another supermarket opening closer to the centre and within the retail core, while the Asda plan is outside of it. It is more likely than not to be Waitrose.

There are plenty of empty shops in Marple, and a few really crummy businesses which lower the bar of expectation. But what is the centre for? What more can do done to add to the attraction of the place and sell stuff that people actually want. Allowing an Asda to come in, where their customers won't touch the rest of Marple's other stores will be a disaster.

Boomerang - The Meltdown Tour by Michael Lewis

Great book this, for the most part. Michael Lewis deals with the banking crisis of 2008 with detailed reportage from countries at the centre of the storm, but with mixed results Iceland (harsh), Ireland (fair), Greece (harsh and fair), Germany (over obsessed with scat). And then there's a very bizarre final chapter on California, which doesn't fit. It doesn't feel like a book, more a collection of associated long Vanity Fair magazine pieces, which it is.  But for my money, the journalism and analysis on the Iceland and Ireland pieces is peerless.

A month off blogging to get my head straight

Hello - and greetings from my new office at Lockside Mill in Marple.

I have really enjoyed doing this blog over the last few years. It's been a useful and valuable release to comment and pontificate on things of importance to me. But since I started Think More at the start of the month, I've left the Marple Leaf alone in order to work out what it's for and what I should include on here.

Well, I've got a different set of priorities now. I always said, this blog isn't about work, it's about the other stuff. That's slightly changed now, as so much is now so integrated into everything else.


Even though I never updated this blog during office hours at Insider - access to Blogger is banned, along with Facebook and Friends Reunited - running my own business absorbs all that extra capacity in the evenings and weekends, as does having five kids.

But I am going to carry on with it and include relevant content. This is what this post is about.


The most popular topics on the blog are Blackburn Rovers, Marple and Manchester. The other subjects I like to drop in here are shameless namedropping, daft lists, cultural observations and something of an archive for concerts we go to, books I read, friends we share time with, and a few things about TV programmes.

All of them have changed their role in my life to varying degrees.

Firstly, I am totally fed up with Blackburn Rovers and will not be setting foot inside Ewood Park while Venky's are in charge. I despair of what has happened and cannot think of another way of expressing my disgust. I will go to away games occasionally, as I still support my team. There will be occasional blogs and I will be changing the inscription at the top of this blog's flag to something that captures my stubborn hostility to Venky's and yet the love for what still might be. However, what I will say is this: as I am now involved in a business with Ian Currie, who has tabled a bid to buy the club, I will be very careful on what I say and be mindful of how that will be interpreted. We'll see. Just don't expect any leaks.



Secondly, Marple, the small town where I live, is on a real knife edge at the moment. The Portas bid is in. The pre-planning consultation process on Asda's plan for a new supermarket on Hibbert Lane is well underway. Shops are starting up and closing down, local facilities are in need of upgrade. I will be blogging on all of this regularly. The added spice is I'm also working from Lockside Mill, an amazing business premises in Marple.



Now that I'm no longer working in frontline journalism I also have an opportunity to say a few more things about where the media is going, especially on some of the deeper issues around morality and commerciality. I've backed off previously for fear of my comments being made into a story on How Do. That said, I'm gutted that The Word magazine has folded and that has upset my thinking somewhat.


Fourthly, I've also taken on a new role as chairman of Downtown Manchester in Business, a fantastic business lobbying group that exists to channel private sector views on the development of the city and broker connections between members for new business relationships. I'll link to Taking the Michael, my weekly chairman's blog which will focus on many of the subjects about my favourite city.


Finally, there's the guiding mission of my new business Think More. It is this: to get the people of the North to think more, to take part in debates that are shaping our lives, through the forum of live events that stimulate and inspire. There will be blog content on that site which serves that purpose.

Phew.

Zombies don't like fizzy drinks

A video made by our lads. Fantastic production skills.

Think More - where great minds meet

So, I've left Insider now and have started my new venture - Think More. This is the basics of a round robin I have sent to friends and contacts. So, here goes...

In my 12 years at Insider I have cherished the co-operation and collaboration with the business communities in the major cities of this country.  The mission of my new business is to help the people of the North to think more by creating exciting and dynamic events.  You'll know how passionate I am about great businesses; something I hope was always evident if you have been to any of the events I've been involved in.  I have discovered this same hunger for ideas and intellectual curiosity in how we can debate sport, culture, politics and science.  I’m going to create events with that purpose. I'm keen to work with anyone who shares this goal - and have been bowled over by the ideas and shared zeal for this project.

It's never been more important to take a wider world view. Earlier this year I was lucky enough to join a Learning Journey to Silicon Valley and San Francisco where our group visited 12 different businesses, universities and financiers. This is one of the most exciting things I have ever been involved in and I am keen to share my experiences and to explore how the North can create an entrepreneurial ecosystem with global ambition.

I'm working on Growth Accelerator, a government sponsored programme to help growth companies where I get to work with John Leach of Winning Pitch, one of the smartest guys I've ever worked with and Julian Grice, a marketing and branding guru. We will be running a series of partner events shortly and will be reaching out to business contacts to help us to hunt for the vanguard businesses.

I have a number of events and conferences planned – including an evening of exploration of ideas at the Lowry Hotel in Manchester on the 3rd of July where I will be introducing a number of thought leaders provided by JLA, the leading speaker and events agency and working with my dear friend Laura Wolfe.

I should also mention another great pal, Simon Sinclair, who has turned his creative genius to the brand (above) and Gareth Burton, one of my Learning Journey buddies who has become a firm friend fast and a terrific financial adviser. So, this is my first step on a start-up journey - exhilarating, exciting and just brilliant. I am hugely excited at the range and scale of the opportunities that lay ahead. A website will be unveiled shortly. Then there are new offices, new partnerships, new challenges and a few old friends as well as new ones.

And last but never least - I wouldn't have had the courage to do all of this without the ceaseless and boundless support of my wonderful family.

'From quiet homes and first beginning, Out to the undiscovered ends, There's nothing worth the wear of winning, But laughter and the love of friends.'' Hilaire Belloc.

Ear I Am: The Stone Roses, Warrington Parr Hall 23 March 201...

My mate Nigel Hughes was lucky enough to see the secret Stone Roses gig in Warrington - here is his blog on it - belting!

 Ear I Am: The Stone Roses, Warrington Parr Hall 23 March 201...: It's taken me two days to get round to this post, mostly because I just don't know where to begin. The whole thing is surreal from star...

My mate #18 - Frank McKenna

Me, Derek Hatton and Frank McKenna at Goodison Park

A random shuffle of my address book to find a random friend to profile has suggested Frank McKenna, the man behind Downtown in Business, the business networking club.

I've known Frank for about 12 years, he came through a very tough period where a spurious charge over a leaflet bill led to the early termination of his political career. He was a capable and visionary leader of Lancashire County Council. His practical brand of Labour politics was the first manifestation of New Labour in action and an important part of the development of that project. Tony Wilson put me on to him and suggested we would get on and enjoy each other's company.

He fought off the charges and embarked upon a different career - using his political brain and an urgency for change and improvement, especially in Liverpool. It led to the formation of Downtown Liverpool, a completely different kind of business organisation. I described it as "the Chamber with hair gel", which he took in good part and referred to it in a piece about male grooming here.

In that time the dinners have been glamorous and lively. The private events and the breakfast debates have been very cerebral and have included a high level of political engagement. Though a New Labour northerner, Frank has always kept a dialogue open with other parties, something I've always been impressed by.  He gets a lot of stick, but as well as being well manicured, he's also developed a fairly thick skin too.

Over the years I've always enjoyed collaborating with Frank. We have had many chats that helped one another form views on policy and strategy (and football). And whatever it is we talk about, or whoever we talk about, our chats are always fun. I like his turn of phrase and empathetic style, whether that is over lunch, coffee, over the microphone on his radio programme on CityTalk FM in Liverpool, or at Everton v Blackburn Rovers games, where we were photographed for the picture above with Derek Hatton in there somewhere.

He is a remarkably open and straight forward kind of bloke, who has been generous with his advice and personal support too; just as he has been loyally supported by a close coterie of friends and business contacts. He's also managed to stay friends with Tracey, his former wife, and is a really good and supportive Dad too.

He's moved Downtown into Lancashire and Manchester too, with plans to expand in other cities. It's a good idea - because the need for business advocacy has never been greater.

I am drawn to people who want to do things differently and who command respect through their deeds and actions. Frank is one such person and I'm proud to count him as a pal.

Ren Harvieu - where you heard it first

At first I thought she was Dusty Springfield, which isn't a bad touchstone for any emerging singer. A powerful voice, possibly tortured, certainly sounding like she'd lived a life less ordinary and one longer than 20 years.

Terry Christian has been stoically playing this Salford chantuese for a couple of years on his Northerners With Attitude programme on Stockport's Imagine FM. Say what you like about Terry (and I have done, here) but he has an incredible ear for a great tune and a nose for an artist with attitude.

I finally bought her album this week - and yes, it's a triumph. She has to be nailed on for the next Bond theme.

Disco legend Donna Summer dies

I'm not going to fake grief at the death of Donna Summer, but I have reflected on how much I like her best songs. I talked about it here and one of the papers has a fine selection here.

My favourite is MacArthur Park - soaring, epic, tragic and occasionally nonsense - seems to sum her life up very well.

We're off to World Scratch Day 2012 tomorrow

I have been very excited by the movement to encourage coding for kids. So much of what is called ICT in schools seems to be using Microsoft products and low level gamification. It's not enough, frankly. I love the idea of the Raspberry Pi and will order one soon. But when it comes to creating content, something some of my lads are very adept at, I was really taken with Scatch, a program and technique developed by MIT in Boston. We're going to a session in Sheffield tomorrow as part of World Scratch Day. An added bonus is it's being run by Stuart, one of my Rovers Podcasting chums, who knows about such stuff. The video shows something of how it works.

Three cheers for Greater Manchester Police

Families gather to cheer City in a booze free Albert Square

Over the last few days I've had three very good opportunities to applaud our boys in blue.

On Saturday the chief constable came to this beautiful part of Greater Manchester - to present two of our lads with a Chief Scouts Gold Award. It was the first time I'd had the chance to talk to Peter Fahy, but was struck by what a decent honest man he seems. His speech was really inspiring and applauded the incredible work that voluntary groups like scouts do for local community cohesion. He also talked about the cuts and the climate we live in - how hard it is going to be to provide public services. He was then setting out to go on city centre patrol where his officers would be breaking up fights at 5am. This 24 hour drinking experiment has failed miserably, Britain can't handle it's drink. It's a problem for the police and sooner or later they're going to have to oppose licences. What a dismal waste of police time.

So, hooray for the dibble.

I tried to buy a bottle of champagne as a present for someone who has helped me out today. I couldn't, because at the request of Greater Manchester Police, the shops in the city centre weren't selling alcohol on the day that Manchester City were parading their Premier League trophy. Any thought that this was excessive prompts a thought back to the rampant Rangers fans drinking all day and urinating over our city 4 years ago. On walking to Piccadilly station and seeing the streams of families and kids in their City kits and flags I thought what a good idea it was to cut off the supply and change the tempo of the parade.

Another big whoo hoo for the cops!

Finally, a bit of a leap here, but let's not forget that the awful story of the grooming of young girls in Rochdale owes a huge thanks to the GMP. The main priority in this case has been to secure a prosecution. Amidst appalling tension the police have managed to get witnesses to testify and with idiots stoking up hatred and playing the race card that can't have been easy. I hope more prosecutions follow. There may be a deep seated racial motive behind the exploitation by Pakistani men of young "easy meat" white girls, but it is wholly wrong to say it's a facet of the Muslim community of Manchester.

Thanks and cheers for the Five -O.

It takes courage and dedication to take these three stances and to see the bigger picture. What a complex and difficult job policing is, and how fortunate we are to have the force we have.

Leaked letter - Mrs Desai's reply to Paul Hunt

There's a letter doing the rounds from Paul Hunt, the deputy CEO of Blackburn Rovers, which he supposedly sent to Ms Desai the matriarch of the Venkys. There's a link to the coverage of it here and here.

Here, this blog can exclusively reveal the reply from Pune.

Dear Paul,


What a terrible web we weave. Your letter has confirmed to me that we have been lied to and misled at every step of the way. We bought a football club to give us publicity and to pave the way for us to open up in Europe. We are proud people who have been made fools of.
Let me address each of your points.

1. Promotion to CEO - It seems that everyone in football wants more. Now you want more money. Why, Paul? What have you done except complain? What difference is a title?

2. Owners to invest in the club - Why must we spend more money? We are always being asked for more money. What for? Don't we have enough players? What do they do all day? Why are they all paid so much, especially the ones who say they are injured. Can't we use the younger ones? And why do we have to pay extra to Salgado and Roberts? Don't play them if it's going to cost us. Who told the bank we weren't good for the money? Was it that John Williams? We were right to get rid of him. If we need some more money, then sell some more players. They are all paid far too much anyway. Balance the books and cut the wage bill.

3. Manager to change. When we bought the club within a short space of time Venkatesh and Belaji saw our beloved Rovers get beaten 7-1 at Manchester United. Our football adviser Jerome Anderson told us we needed to get rid of the manager and put someone in charge who would stop us from getting relegated from the EPL. No-one had explained how this works. This prompted us to get rid of Big Sam and appoint Steve Kean. We were criticised for this and now we are being criticised for sticking with our man and giving him time. Sacking Big Sam cost us a lot of money, I suppose Steve will want a couple of million as well?

4. Trust the executive - bring us in. Why should we trust any of you English business people? You have taken us for fools at every turn - the Walker Trustees, Rothschild, John Williams, Big Sam, Jerome Anderson, you all thought we were fools. None of you have come clean. You have all laughed at us, called us chicken farmers and gossiped about us.

5. PR just from Ewood. Who is this PR consultant you speak of? Don't we have Paul Agnew? What does he do all day? Why didn't you sign David Beckham? Why didn't that get us better PR?

6. Regular visits to India. Another one after a free holiday in Pune. Steve comes over all the time and now you want to come. Why?

7. Regular visits to Blackburn and Premier League games. All we get is abuse when we come over, these poor white faces railing at us like we are peasants and coolies. Now who is in charge? How does it feel to be subjects of an empire? And it is very cold. Nobody warned us of this. You don't still think we bought the club because we like football do you?

8. Hire and Fire. I see what you are doing here, Paul. You want that Williams boy out of the way so you can claim the credit for all the work his Dad did.

9. Lost revenue and brand equity. We are the ones who have lost revenue. What are you doing to stop the protests? How many people know of us worldwide? Millions. How many care about a small town football team? None.

10. Support is necessary. You think we are all fools. You all bleat about relegation and peddle the lie that we didn't know of it. We do, we just don't care. The team will still be playing in the Championship, they can still wear the shirt of the 1995 Premiership champions and make us another chicken commercial. And there won't be as many protests if we cut down the numbers who come along to the games.

And if the staff don't like it, then they can go too. I hear there is high unemployment in Blackburn, if you don't like it, then get a job you like.

Mrs Rao.


POSTSCRIPT - for the avoidance of doubt and as a mark of respect to the THOUSANDS of people who have read this - I can confirm it is a work of fiction.