I bought a car on the back of a Jeremy Clarkson review

I love my new car. I like how it is economical, sleek and comfortable. I like too that although I'm not that bothered about cars as totems, it nevertheless says something about me. Not much, you understand, because it is only a car.
Yes, I've bought, or should I say leased, a Toyota Prius. In the first month I've already been to Newcastle, Liverpool (twice), Nottingham, Sheffield, Derby and all around the North West. It has never felt like hard work and has been easy to drive through the night. It handles well. I nearly ran over a couple of pedestrians in Chinatown today as they don't sense it when it is in silent EV model at 10mph. And I know this seems so incredibly minor, but it seems to work with my phone and music player and sat nav. Something that somehow didn't happen for me with my previous cars (Audi A4 and Fiat 500).
But more than that, I also have to say too that I was tipped over the edge by the vendetta waged on this car by Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear. I love that he hates it.

Ooh Aah Jaguar

The Jaguar promotion in Manchester has really caught the eye. The advertising is everywhere, the embrace of social media intruiging and the range of promotional activities are unusually intelligent for a car company. There will clearly be marketing dissertations written about this in years to come. Afterall, Jag was an aspirational brand for middle England. A real emotional draw and a powerful icon. The cars were grand and imposing, while dudes in the sleeker two door models had a classier edge over the nouveau riche Porsche drivers.

That all rather slipped away from Jaguar. It's always difficult to pinpoint how and why, but when I saw they'd done an estate a few years ago I thought they had lost their way a bit and didn't quite know who they were aiming at.

Now they do. The target market is Audi, Merc and BMW drivers in their 30s and 40s. In so doing they've very much gone for Manchester as the kind of city that will get them to these kind of people. As a previous owner of two of those German marques I suppose I'm a target too.

To this end I test drove an XFR for a weekend. It is a beautiful dangerous beast of a car. The comfort, the gadgets, the ease of the driving experience was tremendous. On the downside, it drinks petrol like a thirsty beast in a desert oasis. That's probably because the model I had was a 5 litre V8 engine that was like a jet on a runway- a very scary, very powerful monster of a car. I could quiet easily have lost my licence as it effortlessly (could have) cruised at about 120 mph (theoretically).

My dilemma on this kind of expensive engineering is that at the moment it's impractical for taking kids around their weekend activities and for the occasional stop start grind into Manchester via Hyde and the A57. But in a moment of midlife madness I dream for this kind of luxury and comfort.

Drive like an Italian

When I bought my ickle Italian eco car in the summer, I was well pleased with it. Still am in many ways. However, it's not so great for the rare times I have to drive longish distances (over 30 miles) and I do find I get bullied on the roads. Audi, Lexus and BMW drivers do the usual tailgating and nudging in queues that they never used to do to me when I had, ahem, an Audi or a BMW.

On the way back from Carden Park on Thursday night, in filthy conditions, I was tailgated and flashed by a lorry. I stuck my fog lights on and he got the message, but it was a dreadful experience made worse by my exhausted state.

A tip from Simon Sinclair, local dandy and head of chaos at Pravda Advertising, is to drive like an Italian. Look urgent, be nippy and they get out of the way.

Our 7-seater is out of action - clutch gone - which means this weekend we are doing the Saturday sporting shuttle (football, cross country running and swimming lessons) with just the ickle car and some incredible support and logistical juggling from friends.

Wet face

A very strange thing happened to me today. I spend a good chunk of every month wandering around with crap hair and a dirty car, wondering when I will ever get time to sort either. Today I had both a haircut and then pulled in on the A6 in Levenshulme for a car wash. The lad took my order and I gave him £10 for a £3 job. While he was, supposedly, getting my change I left my window down. His mate then started the job, squirting the wheels and the back window. Not realising I still had my window down he squirted me full in the face with industrial strength detergent.

He didn't speak English and I realised it was a mistake, but his boss seemed mortified. I'm sure by the time I'd gone they were all cackling to each other in Albanian at the specky bloke who they squirted.

However, it made my hair spike much better than the "product" the barber slapped on earlier.

The stages of a midlife crisis

I bade farewell to my midlife crisis car today, my Audi A4 convertible. No more whizzing round with the top down, pleading with kids to get inside a bin liner before they can have a lift home from football. No more lying awake at night thinking someone's going to kick the front door in and demand the keys at knifepoint. It's been fun, but now it's time for a sensible runabout. More later, but this is a brief lament.

On the phone

By way of adding to my list of gripes about drivers, I have another. Drivers who text or phone while driving. My answerphone message says - "I may be driving" as a way of saying, so I won't be taking your call. It is so dangerous. I don't even do hands free.

Last night it seemed I was caught in the convoy on its way to the shite drivers convention at the end of the A57. One absolute moron was driving a large Range Rover (personalised number plate too - aagh!), when I pulled up alongside the idiot was on the phone. What do you do next? Can you call the police when you get home? Does it matter? Will anything happen?

I've even had an email today from a road traffic lawyer saying the legislation is vague, which it always is when tricky lawyers come up with lame excuses for breaking the law, or shift the burden of proof.

Slow down, it can wait.

Idiots to avoid on the road

Nearly had a nasty accident today on the way to Warrington. I braked to stop at a pedestrian crossing and the car behind, a new Mini, was far too close and had to brake severely, skidding in the process and ended up at 45 degrees to my rear. The silly cow then followed me to Warrington at the same close distance that nearly resulted in whiplash for me and my passenger and a bashed rear for the MLCM. What is it with women who drive these new Minis? I saw another this week applying make up on the A57, and another texting away. They now the join the following as a "stereotypes to avoid when driving."

• Royal Mail vans
• Scaffolders
• Skip transporters
• Certain compact German cars driven by, er, certain types of lads from East Lancashire
• Anyone in Longsight
• Mini cabs with billowing fumes from the rear
• Buses in Manchester city centre
• Any car with a fish sticker on the back - why are born again Christians such dreadful drivers?

Anyone care to add any more?

The Italian Job

I know naff all about cars, but the new Fiat Cinquecento has caught my eye. Matt's godparents popped in last night and they've just got one.

I always thought Fiat have been one of the few Italian brands to be devoid of Italian style, just becoming yet another bog standard car model with no point. The Fiat people carrier we hired last year was just the same as our Citroen C8.

This new retro runabout looks very stylish. Whether it drives well I don't know, but you can get a lot further on a full tank than you can in my MLCC.

There's a functional review here and a more colourful one here, an endorsement of sorts from everybody's favourite school bully.

Ten thoughts ... popular themes

Ten Friday thoughts this month is brought to you from the car park of the Reebok stadium. I've been at the North West Conservatives conference. I'm frazzled so it's a random one, based on some common categories on this blog.

Marple - You can't get a good cup of coffee in Marple. Why is that?

Family/Football - Marple Athletic Under 9s play Bramhall North away tomorrow. It's being covered by Channel M. They are one of only two sides to beat us this season. Should be fun.

Blogging - Dougal Paver has been got at. He's stopping his excellent blog. Such a shame.

Politics - George Osborne was very impressive today. David Cameron was too. The NW Tories however are a dreary bunch. Their questions were about crime and tax. No one asked about windmills.

Technology and Namedropping - Met David Cameron today. Got a photo to prove it. And I showed George Osborne how make recordings on a mobile phone.

Cars - I counted ten Audi cars in Marple on my way to work one day this week. It's definitely the car of Marple man. That and the VW Passat.

Family - love them all so much. Poor Matt has been ill, Rachel's been up and down the country, Elliot's been photographed for our next cover, Max and Louis's school has been rated "outstanding" and Joe's got some new glasses that make him look very distinguished.

Friends - I'm a shite friend, I've not spoken to some of my best pals for ages and have just caught up with Steven Lindsay - one of the nicest guys you could meet.

Telly - Ashes to Ashes had that annoying obvious soundtrack last night, and it needs to get creepy and dark or it's going to be drama by numbers.

Jokes - This was everywhere today - As Gazza has been sectioned he'll be sent to an institution for retards with no chance of recovery. Kevin Keegan said "We're delighted to have him back"

It's a wide open road

I've had a right palaver getting my new car. I enjoyed driving this German tank for a while, but am glad to have gone for something not so brutish.

I organised it through Ling's Cars, after a personal recommendation from my pal Ruth Shearn. Viewers of Dragon's Den may recall Ling's slightly chaotic but lovable pitch, which saw her turn down investment from Duncan Bannantyne. A link is here.

Anyway, we were on, then we were off, then we were back on again. The correspondence has been amusing, if a little bizarre. When it all went wrong, I thought she might be the flaky side of unconventional, but to be fair she sourced a new car as she said she would.

Here is her response to my sober thank you email once it was delivered yesterday:

That is great!! I'm so happy you have the car at last. Hope it's lovely.

Well, this took some doing, as well as giving you my build/delivery slot :) I am still waiting for MY car, ordered March :) Can you get me a little write up anywhere? I do my best to please and I have just gone past 600 customer letters on my website!

Let me know if you need anything. I'll send you a small survey letter soon. Go and drive it, hehehe! Where is the sunshine?????

So, yes, do check out Ling's cars. Here.