Friday, June 15, 2007

Ten thoughts on.. types of man

For reasons that will become clearer I've been thinking about "types of bloke" and what they may all mean. Here are ten thoughts this Friday on assorted types.

Alpha male
The Alpha Male is the ultimate aspirational successful epitome of masculine cool. The Alpha role models tend to be men such as Daniel Craig, Michael Vaughan (sober), Clive Owen, Robbie Williams (yes, still), Thierry Henry - men with good credentials, men at the very top of their game who exude power and charisma. They know the right things to wear, the right car to drive, the best places to stay and the very best places to eat.

Cheerful, proud and assertive man’s man. Happy to play sport whether he’s any good or not, watch sport whether he knows anything about it or not. But most importantly of all always, but always, willing and ready to have a laugh at anything. Women will find a bloke a bit excluding, but it’s only because he finds male company a fuller expression of his character. Other types of man may find him a bit shallow. There’s no such thing as a bad bloke. Only a good bloke. At worst, “actually he’s not a bad bloke, you know.”

Much abused term but essentially a rough type with little class. Burberry caps are often cited as top chav accessory, but a fake one, or a head clinching ball cap and dark shell suit with a fair bit of bling complete the look. Usually a criminal, usually extremely violent and thick. Nothing clever about being a chav.

A male Englishman who likes drinking, football, and violence, preferably all at the same time. A non-existent type of geezer populates films like The Business and Lock Stock. Wants to be the typical cockney jack the lad. They dress up smart to normally pull 'birds' favourites being Stone Island and Aquascutum (a much better check than Burberry, by the way). They’re basically like a better meaner version of a Chav and not bad people to know as long as you just prove you're a bit of a 'geezer' as well. Sorted me ol' mucker...

The newest term for ordinary men who know how to dress, but can "still be men." They're neither beer-guzzling sexists obsessed with football, nor are they excessively moisturized pink-shirted effeminates. Heteropolitans are an in-between mix that enjoy both the bars and the salons, and are committed to their relationships with their wives or girlfriends. They are also commited to their family life. They claim love and laughter as their routes to happiness, and they are not shy when it comes to sex.

A bit old fashioned. Opens doors for women, dresses formally during the day. Always immaculate. Possibly a forces background.

Technically lad is just another word for a young male. But there are plenty of lads trips I’ve heard of that are run by men in their fifties. Good lads. Generally behaving like a lad involves drinking, chatting up women and more – hence the phrase "bit of a lad".

Hetropolitan who spends too much on clothes and facial cleansers.

New lad
New lad was New man’s younger bolshier brother. Intelligent, but supposedly ironic. Icons included Loaded magazine when it was good, David Baddiel and Frank Skinner in their wilder phase. Educated but not mature enough to have embraced responsibility. Still essentially useless. The message was: “We like getting aled up, but we don’t hit anyone. We like football, but that doesn't mean we're hooligans. . .We like looking at pictures of fancy ladies sometimes but that doesn't mean we want to rape them."

New man
A bit of a wimp and probably gay. Think black polo necked university lecturer who reckoned he could be friends with women and understood their oppression. Rubbish. Just the sideways route to getting into their pants. Latterly new man lived with his lady and did his share of household chores, picked the colour patterns in the living room and got up in the night to clean the baby's arse.


Nick Morrell said...

In which category do you put yourself now, Mick...And where were you 20 years ago?

Michael Taylor said...

Once a bloke always a bloke, I reckon. ;-)

And you?